Shush your mind

My mind is like a computer with too many tabs open. It is stuck in “not responding” state with a video plug-in that won’t stop playing.

Hello anxiety.

It is the knot in my chest that keeps my food stuck. My racing heartbeat wondering how I will complete this one task that I have done a hundred times over, without fail. It is having reoccurring dreams about oversleeping and missing major deadlines. And that fear of disappointment. The fear of not being exactly what you want in that very moment just as you want it.

Pray it away.

Lack, yes lack of faith. Devoid of anointing or the supernatural ability to power through your purpose without a whiff of anxiety.  Greater is He that lives in me than he that lives in the word. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. and of course be anxious for nothing [JUST!!] make your requests known.

It’s 2am, do you know where your thoughts are?

I have to be up in 5 hours but I also have to rearrange my spice rack. I wonder what my neighbors thought of me that night I was digging up the soil so I could fix my mailbox. I can’t decide on my future tonight but I’ll be damned if my mailbox stays titled for another day.

A little to the left.

Everything is good; great even. All of the pieces are fitting and it feels right. Except that one piece. I followed all the instructions, well sort off.  This is not what the picture on the box promised. No one else sees it but I keep bending my head. I see what no one else does. It’s not centered; maybe a little to the left.

So you think you can pull it off.

Somehow I made made it here. Said all of the right things, never missing any cues. Now its time to seat back and soak it all in. One glance around the table and I suddenly feel small in my clothes. Maybe its the air. Then the lump in my throat, how did I make it here? Are they all playing along waiting for me to stumble. A trophy for the girl who tried but simply couldn’t.

When the dust settles.

Maybe I will, maybe I won’t. One thing is for sure, only time will tell what is real and what is essentially an echo of a song that never was.

Omooba…

Knock Knock Who’s There

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It has been almost a year since I have formed thoughts cohesive enough to form a post.

Truth is I have been job hunting and baking in between.

In 2016, I broke up with the only full time employer I had since junior year. It was a semi-conscious choice to resign but it still sucked. My life was at a crossroad and our goals were no longer aligned. After I resigned, I expected a letter in the mail saying they were grateful for almost a decade of continuous service and loyalty. I expected them to say  you cannot access our secure networks and financial compensation, but here are a few perks that you can still earn. Instead, I got a letter asking me to return all the company owned devices and bill for 2000 dollars in tuition expenses. It felt like I had lost my last name and the beach house in a divorce battle.

Soon enough, I got over my employer and I started actively searching for new roles. There were tons of opportunities and the compensation was exactly what I deserved after years of pathetic pay bumps. But I was only one resume in the job search engines. The automated emails came in, some within hours. Then there were the phone screenings and interviews. I remember going for an interview and the hiring manager was slouched in her seat, fiddling with her hair. I wanted to pull her shoulders and shake her vigorously.

“do you know what it took to get here this morning?”

“I stayed up late researching this role”

“I wore my favorite white shirt that is now starting to feel too snug”

The frustration started setting in. “I am better than this” I would say to myself as I offered my well crafted answers during interviews. I even applied for jobs out of state and almost sort of moved to the mountain side surrounded by cattle and corn fields.

Now I look back and I am amused. In that period that I let go of my safety net, I had time to reflect on what I really wanted to do and I discovered there were a lot of things I could do. Within that shell of a corporate ladder climber, there was a whole lot more than I could articulate in interviews; even more that I had the ability to learn and craft.

Yes, I also started catering small events and selling baked goods. No, I did not quit my finance job to make french toast and cupcakes as one of my oh so delightful church ladies inferred.

By the end of 2016, I landed another role at a financial institution. I am happy to be wearing suits again, juggling meetings, and diving into the numbers. I love my new role and it does not hurt to be recognized and appropriately compensated for my skills and experience.

But quitting my job was one of the best things I did for myself in a long time. Shedding one corporate identity finally let me ask myself the tough questions. I always wondered if there was more inside of me. Now I ask myself, how can I harness that, how can I get it all out and make wonderful happen.

 

Omooba….

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Photo credits: Interview Image (Huffington Post); Cupcakes (Small business exhibition at my church)

 

These Thirties of Mine

  

It has been over a year since I turned 30. There was no glamorous party or fancy dinner. Instead, on my way back from my son’s one week appointment, I stopped by Cheesecake Factory to get a tiramisu birthday cake.
30 was so uneventful. Not like 21 when I was officially of drinking age, or 25 when I could finally rent a car without paying extra fees that I can only chuck up to “under age recklessness insurance.” For my 21st birthday, I had a party and drank a little too much. My now hubby, had a surprise dinner for my 25th birthday. The relationship was headed in the right direction and I was at a good place in my life. 
When I turned 30, I thought “well about time” now I hang out comfortably with the big girls. By the end of the day, my mood changed to “Oh crap, I’m 30” Since then I feel like I have been on a mission to validate that I truly am in my thirties. I expected it to be like all major milestones in my life- effective immediately. 
To prove to myself that I am indeed a grown woman, I have learnt the following things.
1. Shrink the list of things (or people) that really bother you. It comes naturally with age and it is incredibly liberating.

2. By 30, you should have a pretty good grasp of the direction of your life, even if everything has not fallen into place yet. You should definitely know you are or want to be.  

3. Focus Focus Focus!!! Sometimes I find that I am all over the place yet achieving nothing in particular. Your maturity should be reflected in your focus and how settled you are.

4. Be comfortable in your own skin. Everyone has flaws, don’t spend the rest of your life covering them up.

5. Don’t give anyone permission to treat you worse than you treat yourself. This is one rule I am really trying to leave by. 

6. Better to take chances and fail when you are young than to wonder in your old age. 

7. There is nothing as liberating as having your worst fears happen. In every situation, I have learned to look at two possible outcomes- (1) the thing I spent my whole life terrified of never happens. (2) It does happen and it doesn’t kill me. 

8. Be thankful, kind and generous. Happy people are kind and they givers

9. Enjoy the moment. It goes by very quickly.

10. Forgive and forget quickly. 

Omooba…
Bonus- when people show you who they are, believe them!!!

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